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. I began to wish I'd been able to bring Carla here - an American would go for this big time ... or maybe Debbie ... or maybe not. I didn't really want to go there, just at that moment ... some situations just need time to resolve.To distract myself, I went up to the bar and bought a beer - quite an effective displacement activity, in my experience. One of the locals was ordering a round, but she turned and said hello, which I acknowledged with a nod - smallish woman, hair cut short, old fleece jacket over a National Trust T-shirt, I noticed - and prepared myself for the inevitable inquisition.I didn't have long to wait, as she immediately asked, "Not drinking with your friend, then? I hope she's feeling all right? Long drive, was it?"I gave my cynical side a quick pat on the back for predictive accuracy, smiled and replied that Alison was a colleague, not a friend, that she was off for a drive and that anyway we'd come up most of the way by train. Obviously, I wasn't going to get way. I have always known Amber as a lesbian. She has never been with a man before. When all the voicemails end, I hang up the phone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where she is. I go and take a sleeping pill and climb into bed. I let the medicine kick in. I’m able to fall asleep, not even knowing when I do. When I wake up, I don’t feel as tired as I had the day before. I try and call Amber, but her phone is still off. I roll out of bed, shower and go to work. Another day I don’t talk to anyone that I don’t have to. By the time I get home, I don’t want to be alone. I call Katie asking her if she wants company. She tells me of course, so I head over. When I get there, she knows something is wrong, but doesn’t pry. We talk about everything else, avoiding what is actually wrong. All the while, she offers me wine. I drink my fair share, wanting something to numb the hurt I feel. I’m mad at myself, knowing everything I’ve been doing with Katie, I don’t have the right to be so.
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